The other day I was talking to my friend Pam[1] about our love lives. She was telling me about a new guy she was talking to and the history of their relationship from how they met, to becoming friends, to becoming more. One of the things she said led me to write this article on why skin color still matters (to some) in relationships. (And yes, she knows I’m writing this about her.) She made this comment:
“I mean I just never saw myself with him. You know, all fine and light and what not. I’m chocolate. I like chocolate boys.”
Now before people start commenting on the fact that she said she’s chocolate… Don’t act like you never heard anybody refer to themselves as caramel or dark chocolate. Let’s not get too politically correct here. So me being the analytical person that I am, I delved deeper and asked about this chocolateness. I asked why their skin tones were important. I had another friend mention to me the same thing recently – that her boo was dark and she was light. The conversation went as follows:
Pam: I do make a big deal of it[him being light, and her being dark] because people always say I’m so dark and I never thought so. You’re more of a caramel light.”
Me: Caramel light? I sound like a drink. A low fat one at that.
Pam: Maybe it’s weird but when I consider a person I like, I picture us together. How do we fit physically?
Me: Interesting. (People hate when I say “interesting”.)
Pam: Like if we would be picture perfect or not. Like little Huxtables/Obamas. And I don’t know about Tommy[1] and I. There’s such a color difference. But he is sooo fine. I kind of feel like it might be racist of me? But I don’t think I would have a problem dating a White boy or a Hispanic or Asian boy. It would just bother me how we look together? I know it’s shallow to be more concerned with what other people think.
Me: Let’s put it to the people. I’m gonna blog about this. See what other people think.
Whether or not it matters, it’s definitely prevalent. Try to think of a famous couple (or even in your group of friends) that has a darker female than the man. I tried. It’s much easier to find a darker guy with a lighter woman. Why is this? Clockwise from left Duane Martin and Tisha Campbell, Djimon and Kimora Lee, Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey, Jay-Z and Beyonce.
So, great people, I pose you this question: Is skin tone still a real concern when you consider dating someone? If so, why?
It doesn't matter to me, but it does to Alot of people. If it's just a preference then ok, but when you get on a Yung Berg tip putting other people down it's a problem. I honestly find it strange, but some men see having a light skinned woman is special, kind of a status thing. Which is insulting to both sides.
First of all, Im glad you blogged on this. Its a convo that often comes up with some of my close friends and I.
I used to be a victim of this mentality. I would always tell myself: "I have to date a dark-skinned guy because im light skinned."
and sure enough before long, i would tunnel vision my man radar and only give the eye to that handsome dark skinned brotha in the corner. If he was light skinned, I would NOT GIVE HIM THE TIME OF DAY. Primarily b/c i thought we looked related lol, but yea.
i realized that it was pretty dumb and small minded of myself to limit potential man friends based on the color of their skin. blacks have been separated since slavery based on how dark or light u are. we need to stop perpetuating it in our culture.
I now give the eye to whoever is giving me the right vibes, regardless of skin color
its all about the vibes mannnnn.
sorry for the book btw.
Honestly, I have always been attracted to men my complexion, no lighter no darker. But, my current bf is light as hell. My friend calls me a race traitor. LOL
Well I am out of the game but when I was dating, skin color made no difference to me. I was just looking for a certain type of dude. It just so happens that my hubby is in the same range on the black color spectrum as me. But that had nothing to do with the choice I made.
Today's names are from Martin by the way. Damn Gina!!!!
Manny makes a good point. Preference doesn't seem to be a problem, but putting others down for sure is.
Katrina – I know what you mean. It seems like a lot of people who have this problem are always worried about how other people might feel about how they look. "It's all about the vibes, man" Agreed. Skin complexion shouldn't matter in my opinion. But it obviously does.
ChiChi – That's good that you seem to be okay with your complexion. Mind if I ask what that is? It seems darker women think about this more when considering lighter men. Maybe I'm wrong?
K. Rock – Congratulations! You win a jpg image of an iPod Touch! haha "Cole, you stupid."
Great blog! Jerome in the house!
Whites, blacks, hispanics, albanians..I could care less about the color of anyone's skin..I'm all about the get down to the get down…So no worries for me about the skin tone..
…slut-Ha, just kidding. But, some people have that freak or wife mentality about skin color. You be my jump off, but I'll bring this one home to mom. But really, you have to be a grimey person in general to be that way.
Great blog, great topic and great comments so far. A few thoughts:
1. So you tried to think of a famous couple where the woman is darker than the man and you couldn't think of one to mention? Did the part of this blog that's a bit of Michelle Obama forget that her husband (i.e., the President of the United States) is lighter than her?! I'm sayin.
2. Skin tone isn't a concern for me – but I'd say, based on my observations, that it is a concern for those who have had issues with their own skin color. I would say generally that the things people make into relationship issues germinate within themselves, e.g. if money becomes a major problem in a relationship (common issue) those issues could be completely traced back to how the individuals in the relationship learned to manage their money.
For whatever reason I never really had an issue with my own brown skin (I think it's because I'm sort of Clair Huxtable's color and I LOVED HER when I was little…) and so I embrace all kinds of skin tones (though, thanks to Toni Morrison's writing in "Sula" I find really dark skin to be artistically beautiful.)
Skin tone usually isn't something I think too much about… definitely didn't consider it when starting my relationship with my boyfriend until he asked me if I had any predilections for skin tone…because then I wondered what his experiences have been with embracing his brownness (and I learned later that he has had some issues). I'd bet money that "Pam" has grappled with some issue with her "chocolate" skin on her own, way before she met her man.
So that was more than a few thoughts!
Michelle and Barack's skin tone difference wasn't as obvious to me but you're right. I don't know if it has to stem from an internal problem because like Pam said, she was worried about what others might think. Inside, she was perfectly fine with dating a lighter brother. It's good to see that many of you haven't had issues with your own skin tones.
Skin tone has never been the big of an issue for me. Maybe because there is such a range of skin tones in my family I just saw us all as black. My boyfriends have also ranged in color, my brother might comment on how light someone might be, but at times it seemed like lighter guys were the ones that talked to me (i have a darker complexion). My current boyfriend is the same skin tone as me. I don't feel that it has changed anything or brings up new topics to talk about during conversation.
I do have a guy friend who has a specific preference for lighter toned girls. He has a darker complexion like me and would often say to me, "you are sexy for a dark girl, i might talk to you" I would hate to hear that from him. It would make me feel that because I am not 5 shades lighter I wouldn't be able to talk to you? Not saying I want him, but rather hypothetically. I don't mind seeing a mixed couple because I figure they just want to be together. But people that have to have that preference for a specific tone, that just seems superficial and reminds me of "School Dayz". In 2009 do we really have to be with someone lighter or darker to make you feel better about yourself? Can't love just be enough? No, it has to be color coordinated apparently.
I always wondered how people felt when guys said things like that, "You're sexy for a dark girl…" Seems offensive to me, too. School Daze still has one of the best commentaries on the whole dark vs light skinned argument in my opinion. "Can't love just be enough?" Agreed. It should be enough.
I think sometimes we as Black people get cheated out of just liking certain things because we like them. I mean to say that we too often see ourselves in the context of race rather than just human beings liking what we like.
So skin color preference can be complicated for us.
Personally I've dated women of all skin tones/colors. I don't have any sort of preference.
Interesting post!
I know they're not famous per say, but if anyone has been watching this season of The Amazing Race (CBS), one of the couples on the show is a white guy and a black girl, and the girl was in a beauty pageant (I believe it was Miss USA or Miss America.) Anyway, why that last tidbit it relevant, I'm not sure. BUUUUT the point is that I discovered a couple on television that has a light-skinned guy with a dark-skinned girl.
haha good job. Even in my friends I can't find an example which is kinda sad I guess.
ok i have read this post like 3 times now.
I do think skin tone/color has a lot to do with relationships.
I really think that people shouldnt worry about there own skin color/tone and should have confidence in the color your mother and father gave you.
As for preference of the opposite sex… I think everyone has a certain skin tone/color that they are attracted to and theirs nothing wrong with guys/gals saying "Im attracted to the lite skin girls/boys" thats fine, cause there are many that are attracted to the dark skin ladys/fellas. But people if people think "oh im dark… i cant have a no light skin man" or "oh im light skin… i couldnt get a chance with any dark sista" that seems narrow and your only putting yourself down.
I really think that people are attracted to all colors of the oppsite sex but tend to "focus" on a certain shade in which they actually would consider moving forward in a relationship with.
Also, (this may be off topic) but people want what they cant get… or are not "supposed to get. Ex: the white girl with a black man… cause daddy said not too. Or how about the Black girl bringing home a White boy for dinner? (for some reason Burrnie Mac and Ashton Kutcher just popped into my head.)
The other thing i really hate is: Why is it ok because someone is partially something. "oh he not white… his great grandmother was mixed making him 5.73% black." ???? So now its ok for a 5.73% black man to date your daughter because he has "Black" in him. "C'mon Son!" (ed lover voice)
Face it. there are Beautiful Black, White, Asain, Hispanic, (every other nationality) Women/Men in the world… but there is a smaller certain shade of pigmentation we tend to "focus" on.
side note:
The whole Country will be light skinned by 2073. (if the world doesnt end in 2012 lol)
Great comment. I think you are only putting yourself down too when you think you can't get with a person only because of your or their skin color. However the 5.73% black thing goes waaaaay back. It was called the one-drop rule I believe. If you had even one drop of black blood in you, you were considered black and had to be segregated from the white people. Maybe it's just me, but I think we (black people in general) took that as our own. I'm guessing you're alluding to Barack Obama and while yes he is half white, we're gonna claim him. Is that wrong or right I don't know but that's what it is for now.
Good Post Michelle.
It's interesting because I'm a brown girl and I tend to be attracted to men my complextion or darker. But I tend to attract men of a lighter hue……And I'm ok with that now…..As I've gotten older, it's become more about the person, how they treat me….and at the end of the day, I dig any guy that's digging me.
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I've been thinking about this lately. I'm brown and I used to be in the "dark skin only" camp only because I though it would make me self-hating to admit that light-skinned guys have the same potential for attractiveness as anyone else. It sort of happened after I gave up my "only a black man" ideas too.
At this particular moment I have my eye on this guy who is light. What's funny is when I first met him 2 years ago, I convinced myself that he wasn't anything special and all the girls swooned over him because he was light and they were superficial and I was so much smarter and more mature than they were. Now that I'm ok with acknowledging that light is beautiful too, I know all the girls go crazy for him because he's so damn segzy! lol
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