Internet Beef: How To Do It Correctly

Originally Posted at Live.DrJays.com on October 15, 2009. Read the comments there.

This is the guy you’re beefing with.

Twitter beef, Facebook beef, Myspace beef, whatever. E-beef or Internet beef has got to be the most ridiculous form of debate.

Yes there are great forums for discussing and disagreeing on topics. It makes for great fun. Like the conversation over at TheFreshXpress about being “The Other Woman” was fantastic. There was a new perspective and people argued about whether it was wrong or not. But at some point it just gets out of hand.

You see this on YouTube a lot. YouTube has the best comments ever. If you need a pick me up or just a daily dose of ignorance hit them up. Usually on any rap video because the crazies come out over there.

Anyway, why is this an issue? For one, because you’re virtually getting mad at a screen. You’re slamming on those keys so hard on your keyboard to show your anger. That’s kind of ridiculous. You know they can’t tell how fast you typed right? Well, Michelle Huxtable is here to help you with How to Successfully Argue On the Internet

1. Type in all caps.

<sarcasm> THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK DUMB AT ALL. NOPE. IT MAKES YOU LOOK SMART AND INTELLIGENT. OH MY. SOMEBODY IS WRITING IN ALL CAPS. IT MUST BE IMPORTANT. I MUST GO READ IT. <end sarcasm>

2. If that doesn’t work, add in a some exclamation points!!1!1!

Exclamation points show that you are passionate about a subject. Note the difference:

You are an idiot.

You are an idiot!!1!

Always remember for some reason to take your finger off the shift key so that you enter a 1 instead of an exclamation point.

3. When all else fails, result to irrelevant personal attacks. Find anything. Their username is Scarface23? Scarface was a horrible movie![1] Talk about that! They made a typo and spelled “the” like “teh”? They must be stupid. We should discuss that. They posted twice by accident? They’re ridiculous! Their point must be invalid. Let’s ignore the three paragraphs they posted that successfully debated their point and attack only small mistakes that they make.

Now that you know how to successful engage in twitter beef, let’s discuss why you really should stay away from it. As Wale so eloquently put it, @ replying somebody on twitter is not the same as walking up to them and letting them know what’s up.

Ricky is right. We can do so much better. If you legit have a problem with a person then you should let them know either in person, by phone, or even a text. If you don’t know them in person or don’t have their number then…wait… You’re telling me you don’t even know this person that has you all in a huffy? You let somebody you don’t even know affect you to the point that you need to call them out? Wow. Let’s get you a twitter intervention.

[1] I love Scarface, for the record.